D-Day

Well.  It's a big day.  Today is my first day back at work and it comes with a flood of overwhelming emotions, heartbreak and gratitude.    Walking in this morning was surreal - part of me felt reunited with the person I used to be: polished, confident, energized by the fast pace of the city and excited to be back in the land of the movers and the shakers.   And the bigger part of me felt simply devastated.  I miss my boy so very much and despite knowing that it is healthier for both of us to become more comfortable with some separation, it's excruciating to not be the one he's with day in and day out.  I can say without question that the last 21 weeks have been the best days of my life.   Anything I could say to follow that statement would be too cliche to put in writing but suffice it to say, maternity leave did not disappoint.  To have both of my boys in the house on a regular basis, with warm weather, play dates, new friends and of course, my little bug.. well it's been just an incredible time.   

We could not be any luckier than to have Michelle watching Cooper for the next three months but that doesn't take away from the pain of not being with him.  From the anxiety I feel over him missing me and wondering where I am.  From how conflicted my head and my heart feel about working and parenting and the age old dance of striking the right balance.  Jesse has been absolutely amazing in the weeks leading up to today and I feel better knowing that I have options and that we are aligned in finding the right balance between the time I spend with Cooper vs. time he is spending with outside help.  

It will be an interesting next few days/weeks/months but I'm eternally grateful to have had five full months off with my little guy.  And equally grateful to have my first work day departure behind me. 

I am not the first to do this.  I won't be the last.  I am in good company with my closest friends and new mommy buddies.  While that helps to take the edge off, it still stings like hell.  

Stiff upper lip.  One foot in front of the other.  Onward to phase two.